Posted in Thoughts

A Cluttered Mind #3

Today is the last day of the year, and I know it won’t actually change my state of mind, but I do reckon that it has given me a fresh perspective. My week long absence from work (I did log in today, but only to make a note of my tasks for Monday), has helped me recuperate. I was able to think more deeply, decide what my goals this year look like and what I need to say to various people, and most of all I was able to catch up on my sleep.

Just a day ago I had been wanting to visit the nursery to buy some herbs for my terrace garden and also buy some ingredients for baking from the grocery store, but I did not have any energy at all that day to even get up from bed, let alone look presentable enough to step out. I did not force myself to get up or engage in any other activity, instead I stayed inside my blanket fort and just reviewed how my year has been, in my head. I did go yesterday though! I bought some thyme, rosemary, lettuce, cherry tomatoes, parsley, chives and also some succulents.

My main issue was actually a sum of two opposite things: the lack of socializing/face-to-face conversations in addition to an introvert burnout, which happened from having to interact with newer people, dealing with various situations and learning more than was required. I know they are quite contradicting, but it is what it is. Then the next big issue was not being able to process the situations I was in. The earlier months were alright – I had a fresh perspective, new goals in my professional and personal life – and as I am writing this, I am proud that I was able to achieve all of them, despite the few regrets I have. Spring just brought in disasters for my family – ***** struck both my parents one after the other and this disaster continued till summer. It wasn’t as simple as falling sick and recovering, it meant several trips to the hospital (which were our only outings till monsoon), and we ended up spending a lot of money just on tests and medicines. And to make matters worse I strained the wrist of my dominant hand. And like a crazy person, I just went on working, thinking it would heal on its own, but in the process I damaged it further. Again, more money was just spent on doctor appointments, tests, medicines. I became severely deficient in Vitamin D and B12, and I could actually feel the lack of physical energy. A lot of people belittle this and just say “oh, everyone is deficient in Vitamin D”, but several lockdowns have made it worse for many people. (My younger brother actually had rickets when he had just learnt how to walk – we used to think his penguin walk was cute, and did not realize he could have actually been in pain until someone pointed it out!) During those weeks it was raining continuously, and that had a severe impact on my mental state. I could not write using a pen, braid my hair or help out with washing the dishes. I tried to go out for daily walks, but alas! I could not be consistent with this either.

I had more work than usual too during fall, but that wasn’t the problem. The problem was being unable to process the various changes. I got to know of some news right before my birthday, and that made me bitter, hateful, resentful and worse. In the early months of winter, I got to know of another news, that involved some bit of my past creeping into my present, and that made me even more hateful. I am still a bit bitter about all this, but I think time should heal that. The last two months did not bring in any happiness as such, although I was able to go out more, enjoy walks, interact with my colleagues/friends and chalk out my thoughts here. I know these write-ups aren’t creative at all – I am just trying to get into the practice of writing again by using this tool.

To sum it up, I had one roller coaster of a year. It wasn’t a pleasant time in the slightest, however, I do have a very odd sense of achievement for not wasting my year! And this includes me staying in bed for one week too. I am also extremely grateful to the few friend who constantly checked up on me, and my colleagues as well as my boss who listened to all my rants, motivated me, offered help, and were the most supportive among all the people I know.

The year taught me a lot, and I hope I can actually apply this knowledge in various spheres of life. Just to put this out there – I do acknowledge that others did have it worse. I will not argue over this at all.

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Your average girl.

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